What subs and bagels in Utah look like

What subs and bagels in Utah look like

Utah doesn’t have delis.

Utah doesn’t even have anything that resembles a deli. The whole Salt Lake Valley is filled with worse versions of Panera Bread. As a result, it’s almost impossible to explain to a local how horrific the subs and bagels in Utah are. Logic would say an garbage sub and a garbage bagel would go for garbage prices. Nope! A sub in Salt Lake is between $10.00 and $15.00. Bagels in Salt Lake with cream cheese are $4.00 and up, and bagels with meat and cheese are between $6.00 and $10.00. Utah also boasts some of the highest restaurant sales tax in the country so your $10.00 bagel comes out to $10.90 after tax. You could literally buy 11 McDoubles, 2 Domino’s Pizzas, a stamp bag of heroine, or 1 worst bagel you’ve had in your life

To their credit, there are some folks that recognize that subs and bagels in Utah are pretty much a Pyramid scheme like the rest of the state, but there are also plenty of people who think that being broke and still hungry after spending $20.00 on lunch is some weird-ass avant-garde experience. Let’s go ahead and take a look at what a bagel and sub look like in Utah. Brace for impact.

Subs

Literally, what the fuck are we looking at below? A sub shouldn’t be fucking cute. It looks it should have frosted tips and four other dudes singing with it in synchronized formation.

subs and bagels in Utah
they forgot the food

This sub should be wearing a pinky ring and talking about how much it loved the film adaptation of CATS the musical. These people need to be held accountable. It’s from this Caputo’s Market. Here’s another kicker. If it isn’t on their very small menu of 10 subs, you have to go to their cold cut section and buy cold cuts from them in order for them to piece together your sandwich. This is their staple sandwich so this is as good as it gets there. I was dumb enough to get scammed into getting this, so I can say from experience that their large size was maybe 1/2 foot. 6 inches. Ran me $10.89. Tasted awful. They have 4.5 stars on Yelp. Brainwashed.

Conversely, here’s what you can get in NJ for $6.50.

beautiful italian sandwich combo
sub proper – classic combo Dante’s Italian Deli, River Edge NJ , $6.50
GOAT sub sandwich
it makes smiles back at you

Bagels

Bagels might actually be the bigger scam of the two. There is a decent place if I drive 15-20 minutes outside of Salt Lake City, but within the city’s boundaries, this is the trash they are putting out. This is from the Bagel Project.

subs and bagels in Utah
my loan officer Craig won’t let me get bagels here until I re-fi

How bad does your childhood have to be that you think paying $8.00 for a Bacon, Egg and Cheese is normal? Also, from experience, it may be even more undersized than the subs here. They are about the same size as the Thomas Bagels you get at the store. Not to mention, it flat out tastes bad. The whole thing tastes like a wafer. Keep in mind that the pictures above are their manufactured photos. Below is a picture I found online since I couldn’t bear to spend the $8.00. Look at how tiny it is in this girl’s hand. Also, what’s up with the worms covered in throw up at the top of it?

subs and bagels in Utah
utah bagel covered in throw-up

That actually looks gross. I think just aesthetically it is pretty easy to tell that there is a serious quality control issue that is coming into play here, and I can’t stress enough how tiny these things actually are. Maybe the “Project” in Bagel Project is to see how tiny and horrific tasting you can make something before people call bullshit. Again, 4.5 stars on Yelp. Good thing you can read about how Yelp is a scam here and here.

Here is what $5.50 gets you in NJ. Maybe it’s 3 dollars less because it doesn’t feature the throw up.

subs and bagels in NJ
River Road Hot Bagels, Fair Lawn NJ, $5.50. A work of art.

Eating here is a burden

It’s common fallacy that life out West (less California) is going to save you substantial amounts of money. Housing is definitely cheaper in Utah but getting normal things like breakfast and lunch costs you 30%-50% more and often leaves you unhappy. Everything feels incredibly uninspired and calculated. Quality is sacrificed for the bottom line. Authenticity is sacrificed to cultivate a more trendy image. This is a theme across the whole Salt Lake Valley and often leads people to simply eat at chains. Believe it or not, it actually is the best value you can get out here outside of cooking for yourself. You can clearly see what subs and bagels in Utah look like and cost, and it’s pretty devastating. Unfortunately for me, I’m lazy as balls so cooking isn’t really my forte. So until then, you can find me at Chili’s celebrating the 2 for $20.

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